I Just want to be happy

I've been like really sad for these few months. Like maybe depressed. But not all the way depressed. I don't exactly know what's wrong with me. Like I just wanna be happy. I'm a very unhappy person right now. I don't wanna be drunken happy. Because after a while, when your sober, all the pain comes rushing back. And then you remember what made you sad in the first place. It's not like Im depressed all the time. Just when I'm home, or alone, or annoyed. I don't even think its my music or my phone anymore, I just feel like.. something. I don't want a boyfriend, because if they break my heart, it'll just be more sadness. I don't wanna be cutting happy. Sure it reduces the pain, but it brings more pain also. It's a very unexplainable process. Anyway I promised myself I'd stopped doing that. I need something. I dont know what I need. I just want to be happy. Why can't I be happy? I'm always annoyed at something for no reason. I really stopped caring about what I say to people and how I say it. Except my parents, I may yell at them, but I don't dare cuss at them. The only placed that calmed me down was a place I'm not allowed to go. It was this Empty parking lot, and it was like this stool. I just loved sitting there and being outside. I could cry there, but I had no reason. I was happy there. so I don't have that place anymore.. and then I had a slinky, Okay now that did work. But my first reflex when I'm mad it run outside or punch something. I usually forget about my slinky. This is actually one of the longest "post" i've every wrote for this blog. And it's not that I want to end my life. I'm not happy with it, but I want to live. Usually I drown myself in music.  I'm starting to hate the radio. And I've listen to all my CDs.. I mean I have my favorite people and all, But I don't always wanna listen to them. Not that I get tired of them.. I just want something different for that moment. And I've started crying a lot to. Maybe because I didn't get my way,(and I'm not a brat) or because I heard one measly evil comment. I've become super sensitive. And I'm not alone, I have plenty friends. I just don't feel the same way I did last year. Maybe I have to get more into the school year. And I'm not crazy, or yet maybe I am. but I'm not nuthouse crazy. But, you know. I have gone into depression once again. I will get out of this. It just never lasted this long. 

xoxo ~AKB